REVIEW: Gemini Man

It’s my 15th birthday party. A sleepover. I had been building this one up with my friends for a while. 3 things will make it a success: my Mom’s cooking, Super Smash Bros Melee, and a Will Smith movie marathon.

We watch Hitch, Independence Day, I, Robot, ya know, the classics. Even when most of the room has fallen asleep me and my brother Timmy grab a worn DVD copy of I Am Legend and clutch our pillows tight. It’s amazing even the 20th time.

The Sutton family would follow Will Smith anywhere in the 2000s. Every role that guy played was just so charming, and cool, and funny. He added this effortless energy to every character. It could be incredibly sad or comedic, but always Will Smith-ian. Whitney Houston was the only person who held a more sacred celebrity status in our household.

I’m now 23 and I still watch every movie starring the Fresh Prince; even catch his youtube channel from time to time. But it’s been a while since I felt like I did when I was 15. More than anything I want him to make a comeback. I mean, I’ve been holding out since freakin’ After Earth and that was 6 years ago…

The trailers for Gemini Man weren’t great, but as I enter the theater with my parents I do my best to remain optimistic. I remind myself that Minority Report had a crappy trailer and that was an AMAZING movie. Deep down, I know this won’t be like that.

Please. Please be good. 

The premise is as predictable as it is soulless. The plot has more holes than your average pasta strainer. Most of the characters could be replaced by giant sacks of flour that spurt out google translated lines from an unproduced Borne script. We’re 15 minutes in and it’s not just bad, it’s surprisingly bad.

A line of questions form in my head. How was this directed by Ang Lee? Didn’t that guy make Life of Pi and Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon? Did Will Smith just give beer to an alcoholic?

We press on.

Dark, unimaginative, cinematography floods most of the frames. I am getting bored. Me. Bored. In a Will Smith movie.

This never happens.

Now we’re talking to some chubby guy on a boat. He leers at a very young woman in a bikini. I guess we’re supposed to find him endearing? Not sure if I do. The first fight sequence rears its head. It’s not stellar, but I’m awake, and it’s done in a medium shot so you can tell who’s fighting who. Passable I guess? That’s how all the action sequences will feel. Very matter of fact. “We gotta get this done to get to the next thing.” Just people punching other people. (The motorcycle chase manages to break this mold for a half second, but compared to the rest of Gemini Man, it feels out of place.)

Benedict Wong shows up about an hour in. Gotta love Benedict Wong. In his short 3 minutes of screen time he gives the film the most joy it will have. Again, shocking to say that about a Will Smith project, but it’s true.

The special effects are impressive but not Avatar in 2009 impressive. Not impressive enough to sell me on a story that I have such little interest in. Not impressive enough for me to suggest it to you, dear reader. Perhaps most unfortunate, they’re not impressive enough to be the comeback I was hoping for. This one will be another bomb.

After watching I am left in a wake of nostalgia for better things. I miss Hitch, Independence Day, and I, Robot. I miss Seven Pounds and the first 2 Men in Black movies. I even miss Hancock to a certain extent.

What I wouldn’t give to be 15 years old again, watching I Am Legend with my brother.

1/5

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